The Marriage Map: Navigating the Do’s and Don’ts of Early Relationships
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دکتر ترانه موذنی
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Marriage: A Joyful Yet Stressful Event
Marriage is a highly emotional event in our human relationships. If we consider stress on a scale of zero to one hundred, it places a significant amount of stress on an individual, exceeding fifty units. You may ask, how can such a joyful occasion bring about so much stress?
In this article, we seek to answer this question and address ten common mistakes made during the courtship period, as well as two fundamental limitations of this phase.
Undoubtedly, no couple enters the marriage process with the intention of separation, divorce, or causing harm to one another. However, due to unawareness, disregard for fundamental criteria, and existing limitations, deviations from the intended path gradually occur. This can lead the relationship astray, ultimately resulting in an undesirable outcome for both parties, potentially leading to events such as divorce. Subsequently, the individuals may also encounter challenges in a second marriage, perpetuating this cycle.
We currently live in an era where the abundance and accessibility of the endless virtual world and social networks have confronted us with the phenomenon of information overload. However, our access to better communication, even with our own values and thoughts, has become severely limited. We harbor the illusion of being social, yet we are incapable of establishing even a simple connection.
A suitable marriage must undoubtedly pass through the path of a proper courtship period. Bear in mind that the courtship period is a process whose dynamics lead you to trust or distrust the other person.
In fact, it should be considered a process and not a time frame!
The goal of the courtship period is to empower the couple to achieve a correct assessment of each other. Despite all the advantages that the courtship period has for both parties, including the exchange of information, thoughts, and values, mistakes may occur during the courtship process due to unawareness, the consequences of which may not be recoverable in some cases.
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Characteristics of the Courtship Period
- Self-awareness of both parties as the main feature of the courtship period: In this period, both parties must have reached sufficient self-awareness and know what they want from life and what expectations they have from their future spouse.
- Purposefulness of the courtship period: The purpose of this period is to exchange information, values, beliefs, and expectations of the parties from married life.
- Considering and observing emotional boundaries: In this period, the parties must observe their own and the other party’s emotional boundaries and avoid creating premature and harmful dependencies.
- The intention of the parties in the courtship period is marriage, not just social friendship: Both parties should enter this period with the serious intention of marriage and avoid establishing a relationship merely for entertainment or spending time.
- In the courtship period, no promise of marriage is given: The purpose of this period is to get to know each other better, and until the parties have reached certainty, they should not have any promises regarding marriage.
- The courtship period will definitely be between a girl and a boy: In this period, each person is only in contact with one person and avoids establishing a relationship with other people at the same time.
- The intention to marry exists, but there is no promise of marriage: The parties are placed in a purposeful acquaintance process. Assessments are made. The extent of agreement, understanding, compatibility, and adaptations are evaluated, and then the decision to marry is implemented.
- The courtship period must be under the supervision of the family: Since the relationship in the courtship period is for the purpose of marriage, the families of both parties must be aware of the affairs.
10 Mistakes of the Courtship Period
Despite all the advantages that the courtship period has for the parties, 10 functional mistakes can prevent the parties from reaching their goal.
Mistake 1: The parties do not ask each other enough questions.
- Reasons: Lack of awareness of important questions, fear of judgment, fear of losing the romantic atmosphere, lack of sufficient knowledge of oneself and desires.
- Result: Superficial and aimless conversations, lack of sufficient knowledge of each other.
Mistake 2: We do not take our own signs of doubt seriously.
- Importance: Doubts indicate a mismatch of values and goals.
- Recommendation: Take your doubts seriously and talk about them with the other party.
Mistake 3: We do not take the warning signs seriously.
- Signs: Disagreement, cultural differences, negative personality traits.
- Recommendation: Take these signs seriously and talk about them with the other party, and seek help from a counselor if necessary.
Difference between signs of doubt and warning
- Signs of doubt: Related to the individual himself and caused by the lack of conclusion and contradictions in the behavior of the other party.
- Warning signs: Related to the negative characteristics of the other party, which leave no room for doubt.
Mistake Four:
Commitment precedes understanding. This means that you first promise marriage and then start the assessment process to evaluate mutual understanding. Commitment during the courtship period exists for getting to know each other better, but there is no promise of marriage. Commitment during the courtship period leads to the formation of guilt or a sense of sin in the individual, which can force him to an unwanted or inappropriate marriage.
Commitment precedes understanding. This means that you first promise marriage and then start the assessment process to evaluate mutual understanding. Commitment during the courtship period exists for getting to know each other better, but there is no promise of marriage. Commitment during the courtship period leads to the formation of guilt or a sense of sin in the individual, which can force him to an unwanted or inappropriate marriage.
Mistake Five:
Expressing emotions precedes understanding. The reason for this is the failure to consider the emotional boundaries of the relationship and largely refers to the nature of the marriage process. A process that is inherently accompanied by high excitement and at the same time, observing emotional boundaries for both parties is necessary and essential. The nature of emotion is such that it weakens thinking. People who can combine emotion with more knowledge can make wise decisions and have reasonable choices.
Expressing emotions precedes understanding. The reason for this is the failure to consider the emotional boundaries of the relationship and largely refers to the nature of the marriage process. A process that is inherently accompanied by high excitement and at the same time, observing emotional boundaries for both parties is necessary and essential. The nature of emotion is such that it weakens thinking. People who can combine emotion with more knowledge can make wise decisions and have reasonable choices.
Mistake Six:
Failure to assess the ability of both parties to express emotions. Disorders such as emotional alexithymia are among the issues that should be investigated. Does the other party know how to express emotions? Is there no fear of intimacy? Reaching a point of understanding is achieved by examining the viewpoints of both parties, but if expressing emotions is not easy for one of the parties, the sixth error is occurring.
Failure to assess the ability of both parties to express emotions. Disorders such as emotional alexithymia are among the issues that should be investigated. Does the other party know how to express emotions? Is there no fear of intimacy? Reaching a point of understanding is achieved by examining the viewpoints of both parties, but if expressing emotions is not easy for one of the parties, the sixth error is occurring.
Mistake Seven:
The parties succumb to appearances, glitter, or the economic and social status of the other party. In other words, the criterion for selection will be money and superficial attractions, not personality growth and existing similarities. In this way, the parties are prevented from thoroughly examining other important areas during the courtship period and will face challenges that can lead to numerous problems in the future.
The parties succumb to appearances, glitter, or the economic and social status of the other party. In other words, the criterion for selection will be money and superficial attractions, not personality growth and existing similarities. In this way, the parties are prevented from thoroughly examining other important areas during the courtship period and will face challenges that can lead to numerous problems in the future.
Mistake Eight:
Succumbing to sexual needs; unfortunately, due to religious beliefs and cultural norms, scientific discussions and studies about sexual issues in our society have been very limited. The taboo of these discussions has made it more difficult to enter into discussions about sexual issues. Sexual desire is considered an important and vital impulse, and if this vital impulse is not placed in the right path, it can even have significant negative effects on how people choose in the marriage process. The eighth mistake is seen in people who have weak emotional self-awareness and cannot distinguish between making decisions based on logical criteria or sexual impulses. In some cases, the sexual impulse can lead to considering a kind of sexual attraction for the other party and unfortunately manifests itself in the form of allied and sublimated forms of love. Sexual impulses are effective on the choice of the parties, but the individual should not make a choice under the pressure of the sexual impulse or the sexual impulse should not be so great that it disrupts the person’s assessment and evaluation.
Succumbing to sexual needs; unfortunately, due to religious beliefs and cultural norms, scientific discussions and studies about sexual issues in our society have been very limited. The taboo of these discussions has made it more difficult to enter into discussions about sexual issues. Sexual desire is considered an important and vital impulse, and if this vital impulse is not placed in the right path, it can even have significant negative effects on how people choose in the marriage process. The eighth mistake is seen in people who have weak emotional self-awareness and cannot distinguish between making decisions based on logical criteria or sexual impulses. In some cases, the sexual impulse can lead to considering a kind of sexual attraction for the other party and unfortunately manifests itself in the form of allied and sublimated forms of love. Sexual impulses are effective on the choice of the parties, but the individual should not make a choice under the pressure of the sexual impulse or the sexual impulse should not be so great that it disrupts the person’s assessment and evaluation.
Mistake Nine:
Making hasty and premature compromises; this means that the parties postpone solving problems until after marriage. So far, no problem has been solved for any couple after marriage, and in some cases it will even multiply infinitely. Because marriage will make everything that is already so much more so. Not getting along with the compromises of the courtship period in the context of marital relations and under one roof will be the beginning of problems. Take individual differences seriously. Because they are rooted in your psyche and cannot be easily abandoned under the influence of transient conditions.
Making hasty and premature compromises; this means that the parties postpone solving problems until after marriage. So far, no problem has been solved for any couple after marriage, and in some cases it will even multiply infinitely. Because marriage will make everything that is already so much more so. Not getting along with the compromises of the courtship period in the context of marital relations and under one roof will be the beginning of problems. Take individual differences seriously. Because they are rooted in your psyche and cannot be easily abandoned under the influence of transient conditions.
Whoever is far from his origin Seeks again the day of his union
Mistake Ten:
I will change him after marriage; common and mistaken beliefs such as if a woman is a woman, she has the art of changing her husband, or if a man is a man, it is enough for him to will to change his wife. Within the framework of marriage and under one roof, these popular beliefs are by no means applicable. You can never change the other party because the prerequisite for change is the will and desire of the other party and his cooperation with you. Of course, the ability to implement the change is also a necessary condition. The reference point for decision-making and selection in the acquaintance process is the current situation of the parties.
I will change him after marriage; common and mistaken beliefs such as if a woman is a woman, she has the art of changing her husband, or if a man is a man, it is enough for him to will to change his wife. Within the framework of marriage and under one roof, these popular beliefs are by no means applicable. You can never change the other party because the prerequisite for change is the will and desire of the other party and his cooperation with you. Of course, the ability to implement the change is also a necessary condition. The reference point for decision-making and selection in the acquaintance process is the current situation of the parties.
Two Limitations that Exist During the Courtship Period:
- Positivity Bias: During the courtship period, we see and evaluate the other person better than they actually are (self-serving bias).
- Positive Self-Presentation: During the courtship period, we present ourselves better than we actually are.
To control these two limitations, the duration of the courtship period should be carefully adjusted.
A minimum of 3 months and a maximum of 6 months are considered for the duration of the courtship period.
We expect that during the correct path of acquaintance, considering these ten errors and the two limitations mentioned, they will achieve a more accurate and mature assessment of each other. The keenness and thorough scrutiny of the parties, apart from emotions, can provide an accurate prediction of the future relationship and minimize the mistakes of the courtship period.