The Shy Person’s Survival Kit: Essential Tools for Social Confidence
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دکتر ترانه موذنی
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If you have chosen this article to read, you are probably among the 20% of adults who are afraid of public speaking, or among the 15% or more of people who get anxious about meeting new people. You are not alone. If you are reading this article, you are probably not satisfied with your life as you want it to be. Your struggle with social anxiety has prevented you from enjoying your friends, family relationships, work, and recreation. How did this happen, and what can you do about it?
A New Perspective on Social Anxiety and Shyness
In this article, we will walk together step by step to achieve a new understanding of social anxiety. We will show you that the root of your pain and suffering is probably in four things that you do in social situations:
- Paying attention to social danger
- The continuation of anxious feelings
- Anxious thoughts that come to you
- Avoiding your fears instead of facing what is really important to you.
We call these activating the “safety mode,” and of course, we will introduce an alternative to it, the “vital action mode.”
In this new way of acting, you will learn how to be fully present in social situations and how to get rid of the battle with your anxious thoughts and feelings, and therefore focus on what is very important to you, namely your values and goals. We will teach you how to do these things using the principles and strategies of a new method of psychotherapy, which is acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).
Building social confidence doesn’t happen overnight, but it starts with the right support and safe environments. Find out how our clinic can help you grow beyond shyness, step by step
What is Shyness?
Unfortunately, sometimes a person’s intelligence and talents remain hidden due to being shy and taciturn. Shy and introverted people, despite their intelligence and talent, are not realistically evaluated by others, especially the important people in their lives, and are not given importance. In some cases, persistent shyness, which is rooted in a person’s childhood, can lead to a deep fear. So that the person avoids gaining experience in unknown areas and deprives himself of the opportunity to learn and acquire skills. Failure to pay attention to the treatment of shyness leads to failure in work and personal life, especially social and emotional relationships.
Some people shine like a star in conversations and can speak clearly and fluently. On the other hand, speaking is a very difficult and exhausting task for some shy and introverted people. A task that they have to do their best to accomplish, but they may succeed in doing so. If you are also among these people, pay attention to the following points to improve your communication and better participate in social situations.
Important Tips for Treating Shyness
In the first step, check under what conditions and in communication with whom you become taciturn. In the workplace, in family gatherings, in the gathering of friends, in what gathering and under what conditions do you feel shy and timid? For example, if you feel shy when encountering the opposite sex, the initial diagnosis is very important for its root cause and treatment.
1.Investigate the cause.
- Due to evaluation and comparison with other colleagues?
- Or because of the reproach of a powerful manager?
- Or because of a bitter mental history of past experiences with the opposite sex? Check these cases and ask them to treat you correctly, and if, despite your request, others do not change their behavior, be sure to change your environment.
2.Speak to yourself in the mirror for 15 to 20 minutes a day. Pay attention to your facial expressions, body language, tone, and content of your conversation, and be sure to make eye contact with yourself in the mirror. In this way, you increase your readiness to talk to others.
3.When you want to speak in a group, do not expect to have a flawless and impressive speech. What matters is starting to speak in the group. At first, divide your speech into short parts.
4.Start your speech with a short question. Receiving feedback from the audience is very important. During the audience’s response, an opportunity is provided for you to take the thread of the conversation and control yourself.
5.Interact with the audience throughout your speech. Asking about similar experiences and offering suggestions can lead to a kind of interaction with the listeners.
6.Acquire at least the necessary information about attractive and entertaining topics. With the help of reading and entering cyberspace and the Internet, have access to at least awareness of your favorite topics.
7.Identify your negative beliefs and put them aside after root cause analysis. Fear of judgment and evaluation of others increases your negative self-talk. Be sure to seek help from a counselor to improve self-esteem and reduce negative self-talk.
8.Model people with high self-confidence. In fact, use a kind of observational learning. In your mind, admire a bold person with high self-esteem and consider how he or she would behave if he or she were in a situation similar to yours. Watch sociable people and those who communicate very well and fluently with others and learn. Pay attention to how they communicate with others and what words and what body language they use in their communications.
9.Check why you are taciturn at parties and cannot talk? In some cases, increasing the circle of public information or improving the style of clothing can create a better feeling in you and increase your motivation to speak in the group. Another factor of taciturnity in the group is that your focus is only on yourself, while to reduce shyness, you must pay attention to others as well. Instead of dwelling on yourself and constantly criticizing yourself, take your focus off yourself and pay attention to those around you as well.
10.Be sure to learn to make eye contact while speaking. Making eye contact gives you confidence.
11.Always have a few good sentences ready. Practice and use them during your daily conversations. For example, I am happy to meet you. It will be an honor for me, what a good feeling to be like-minded with me. Prepare such sentences in advance and practice using them in the appropriate situation.
12.Be sure to take action to increase your self-confidence. Self-confidence is one of your greatest assets for gaining new experiences and achieving remarkable success. The higher your self-confidence, the better you can gain better experiences in your communications and certainly learn from your mistakes.
13.Know and accept your own specific personality traits. Some people, as extroverts, are sociable and talkative in groups. They get energy from being in a group and talking to others. While introverts are not very sociable and talkative and get energy from solitude and referring to their inner world. Accepting personality differences allows you to evaluate your expectations and make realistic decisions about your abilities.
14.In some cases, incorrect educational and behavioral patterns cause people to be silent and taciturn. For example, you speak less so that more attention is paid to your needs. You procrastinate in expressing your wants and demands, or by withdrawing and sulking, you try to convince others to meet your needs without directly asking them, or to get your answer. In fact, such a person has not learned the correct way to express his needs due to the incorrect behavioral patterns present in the family. For example, in childhood, he learned from a father and mother who were constantly sulking with each other that this method will be effective in attracting attention. Be sure to seek help from a counselor and psychologist to improve the current situation in this area.
15.Exchanging verbal and non-verbal caresses, maintaining mutual respect, observing the turn in speaking and providing feedback are among the things that can be effective in reducing a person’s shyness.
16.Paying reasonable attention to appearance and choosing the right type of clothing is a natural thing. That all of us need to take care of our appearance and feel good about paying attention to it. But unfortunately, shy and sometimes people with low self-esteem are unnecessarily and constantly mentally preoccupied with their appearance. They magnify the smallest issue in their appearance. They excessively generalize their unnecessary sensitivities to others. The body and appearance of people are important, but not to the extent that it deprives them of the pleasure of communication.
17.Avoid labeling yourself as shy. When you label yourself as shy, you psychologically and unconsciously move towards this way of thinking and your expectations in life are formed based on it. Things that you repeat to yourself repeatedly are recorded and stored in your mind and subconscious and in the same way shape your performance patterns.
Long-term use of motivational words solidifies their true meaning in your mind. So it is better to instill courage and bravery in yourself and say aloud several times during the day that I have the courage to express these words, to perform this action and activity
Do not allow past memories and experiences of previous failures to enter your mind, and remind yourself of past successes.
Behavioral science experts believe that there is a direct relationship between the way words are used and the extent of people’s vocabulary and their successes. Therefore, people with excellent eloquence have a dynamic and emotional mind. In addition, they correctly identify their needs and are able to convey their needs from mind to language to establish effective communication by expanding their vocabulary. These people have a high power of speech in understanding the content and accompany the mind and heart of their audience with their power of speech and special expressive methods.
Strategies to Increase Vocabulary
The first strategy is to read as much as you can. Increasing reading is equal to increasing vocabulary. Whether it is literary books or specialized books related to your field of expertise.
The second strategy is to have companionship and companionship with cultured and literate people. Interacting with literate people will have a positive effect on your way of speaking and increasing your vocabulary.
The third strategy is to listen to radio plays. Listening to words and colloquial terms in radio plays is effective in increasing the range of vocabulary.
The fourth strategy is to take educational courses, whether in the form of face-to-face training or in the form of virtual training. The process of education and learning is always accompanied by an increase in the range of specialized and general vocabulary.
7 Useful Strategies for Treating Shyness
- You can only solve your shyness problem when you accept it. Interestingly, shy people are even ashamed to solve their own problem.
- Stop perfectionism. Shy people think that they should not make any mistakes. What is effective in reducing shyness is accepting the right to make mistakes for yourself.
- Express your wishes, even if they are far-fetched. This will make you realize that nothing special has happened and you have only heard “no”, that’s all.
- Do not compare yourself with anyone in any field. This will reduce motivation and, as a result, you will become more introverted.
- Put yourself in new situations, and preferably use small and safe experiences. For example, if public speaking is difficult for you, start with smaller groups.
- Identify the times and places of your shyness. Anyone may be shy at a specific time and place for a reason. With correct diagnosis, you can go to that moment and try to fix it.
- Consider your strengths. One of the differences between successful and unsuccessful people is that a successful person, in addition to his weaknesses, also sees his strengths and pays attention to them, while an unsuccessful person’s full attention is on his weaknesses.
Remember that overcoming shyness is a time-consuming process and this goal cannot be achieved overnight. Practice and witness your changes in front of the mirror.